Have you ever felt like you were in a race between yourself as a mom and your old self (pre-mom life)? I know I'm not the only one who has had this thought and felt as though they were losing the old version of themselves.
I think I can relate to so many women that are on the single mom life journey because I’ve been in both sets of shoes. I’ve been in the happy go lucky “perfect” relationship and now I am living the life of a single mom. Both have taught me lessons that I needed to learn, both have opened my eyes up to the world around me and both have made me that much better at being a mother.
I believe the hardest decision I ever had to make in life was to actually leave. My own mom actually once told me, “you are always going to have guilt as a mother. You can be the most amazing mother to your children and you are still going to question yourself, and it never goes away!” I thought she was just being pessimistic and didn’t believe her...until I realized she was completely right. As mothers we are always looking to please our children, our families and pretty much everyone around us...because it’s just what we do. But the greatest lesson that I’ve learned is that you cannot please everyone, and you shouldn’t want to please anyone but yourself. Whatever makes you happy will always make your child happy. I was in an unhappy relationship towards the end and I stood for so long after I had already fallen out of love because of the guilt I had. “Will my son grow up and hate me for leaving his father? Will he think that I didn’t even try to make it work because he was so young when I did leave?” All of these thoughts ran through my head and they were the reason for me staying and living in an unhappy space. I was mentally and physically drained, I had gained so much weight and I just wasn’t myself.
I’ve always been the bubbly and outgoing one in the room, and although I was breaking on the inside, I remained that person. So no one knew what I felt, and I can’t blame them...I did such an amazing job at masking it all. The only person who realized the changes was my mother, and she called me out on it all the time. At the time I hated her for actually realizing and not knowing what to do or say to fix it, but I realized later that she knew what she was doing all along. She made it very clear to me that she was there for me, and knew that eventually I would come to her. Because that’s just who I was, I didn’t ask
For help, I didn’t want to be seen as the weak woman who wasn’t happy. I needed to be the happy new mom who loved her life, and her baby and nothing could break her down.
It took me almost 2 years to finally stop thinking like this...some people believe that it happens right after you leave the relationship or situation you're in but it doesn't. It took me almost a year and a half after leaving to finally be FREE. To finally start feeling like myself again, to finally start thinking about myself again. There is nothing in this world that I love more than my son, but I felt as though my whole life and world revolved around just him and I thought that was the way its supposed to be. It's totally not. For me to find my own happiness, I had to look beyond motherhood...I had to ask myself what Olivia wanted out of life and what I was going to do to get there. This journey took time, patience and lots of trial and error but I stand here today with a mindset much different from what I started this journey with. At this point in my life I let the chips fall where they may and I figure out the rest from there. I come first...and that will never change. In order for me to the best version of myself, and the best mother I can be...I need to be filled with my own love and happiness. In order to give my son the greatest love in this world, I must love myself in that exact way. I encourage all women, mothers or not...find yourself, look deep, and don't forget that only you know what you truly want out of life! Let go of that fear and be that fierce, strong, bad bitch I know you all are!
Always with Love,
Liv
